Understanding Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance: When Your Mind Fights to Protect You
It’s one of the most confusing and painful parts of recovering from narcissistic or emotional abuse - knowing, deep down, that something was wrong, yet still feeling drawn back to the very person who caused the pain. That inner conflict has a name: traumatic cognitive dissonance. At OLIP Therapy, we see this pattern often in people healing from toxic or manipulative relationships. It’s not weakness - it’s psychology. And once you understand why it happens, you can start to break free from it.
What Is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance happens when your mind tries to hold two opposing beliefs at once. For example:
“They love me.”
“They’re hurting me.”
Your brain naturally wants to resolve that conflict. In healthy situations, we adjust our beliefs to match reality. But in abusive or narcissistic dynamics, you often can’t because your safety, emotional attachment, or identity feel tied to the relationship. So, instead of accepting the painful truth, your mind does something remarkable: it bends reality to protect you. You minimise, rationalise, or deny the harm: not because you’re blind, but because you’re trying to survive.
How Trauma Deepens the Conflict
In emotionally abusive relationships, the cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and control trains the brain to link pain and comfort together.
One moment you feel loved and secure, the next, you’re criticised or ignored. The highs and lows release powerful chemicals like dopamine and cortisol, creating a psychological bond often mistaken for love. Over time, the brain learns to equate chaos with connection. You start to question your memory, your instincts, even your sanity. That’s traumatic cognitive dissonance in action - a survival response, not a flaw in character. Understanding this isn’t about blame. It’s about compassion - realising that your mind was doing its best to protect you from emotional overload.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance
You may recognise yourself in some of these patterns:
Feeling confused or guilty for wanting distance from someone who has hurt you.
Obsessively analysing what happened, trying to find a version that “makes sense.”
Missing the good moments, even when you know the relationship was damaging.
Feeling a constant push-pull - wanting to heal, yet feeling stuck or paralysed.
Experiencing flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, or physical anxiety when remembering the relationship.
If this sounds familiar, please know it’s common. Many people healing from narcissistic abuse describe this stage as the hardest part, but it is a stage. It passes as clarity grows.
How to Begin Healing
Healing from traumatic cognitive dissonance takes time, patience, and the right support.
Therapeutic approaches like hypnotherapy, counselling, EMDR, or The Kintsugi Method can help calm the overactive nervous system, integrate conflicting beliefs, and rebuild trust in your own perception.
It starts by allowing yourself to hold one simple truth:
You can love someone and still recognise that they caused you harm.
When you stop fighting the contradiction and start validating your experience, your mind begins to align with reality again, and that’s where recovery truly starts.
A New Way Forward
At OLIP Therapy, we help people move from confusion to clarity - from questioning themselves to rebuilding inner peace. Our work combines therapeutic insight with practical, compassionate guidance.
If you’re ready to release the mental tug-of-war and begin healing, explore our Kintsugi Method — a specialised hypnosis and recovery programme designed to help survivors of narcissistic abuse reconnect with calm, confidence, and self-worth.
Because you are not broken. You are becoming whole again - one golden piece at a time.
