Put down the weight you've been carrying
Compassion-focused counselling and hypnotherapy for guilt and shame, a kind, confidential space to untangle the past and treat yourself more gently.
CBT, hypnotherapy & counselling in Fareham, Hampshire, and online
Therapy for guilt and shame, so you can set it down
Guilt gnaws quietly, and shame sits deeper still. Some guilt is useful and helps you grow. When it becomes heavy, misplaced or relentless, it is time to put it down. In person in Fareham or online across the UK.
Fareham, Hampshire, plus online therapy UK wide
Free · Confidential · No judgement · You share only what you choose to
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What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is about something you did. Shame is about who you believe you are. Guilt says I did a bad thing. Shame says I am a bad person. They feel similar from the inside, and they need quite different handling.
Guilt, in proportion, is useful. It points at a specific action, prompts you to put something right, and then it is done. It can be resolved.
Shame does not point at an action, so there is nothing to put right. It attaches to you rather than to what you did, which is why apologising never quite settles it and why people carry it silently for decades. Shame also makes people hide, which is precisely why it survives.
Telling the two apart is often the single most useful thing that happens in the first few sessions, because it tells you what you are actually dealing with.
A kind truth
Is guilt ever a good thing?
Guilt is universal, learned early, and it plays a real part in shaping our sense of responsibility. What matters is which kind you are carrying.
Healthy, proportionate guilt
This arises when you have genuinely acted out of step with your own values. It is constructive. It prompts reflection, responsibility and making amends. Saying something hurtful in an argument and feeling moved to apologise is guilt doing its proper job.
Heavy, misplaced guilt
This lingers long after it is useful, or was never fair to begin with. It is disproportionate, or belongs to someone else, or is rooted in something old. It does not prompt anything. It simply wears you down.
You might recognise yours here
What people carry guilt about
These come up again and again in the room. If yours is not here, it still counts.
- Parental guilt
- Working parent guilt
- Guilt after a separation or divorce
- Survivor guilt
- Guilt after a bereavement
- Guilt about a decision on care
- Guilt about how you behaved once
- Guilt about an affair
- Guilt about not doing enough
- Guilt about being unwell
- Guilt about resting
- Guilt that belonged to someone else
Notice how many of those are not about wrongdoing at all. A great deal of guilt attaches to things that were never anyone's fault.
When it gets too much
The weight it leaves behind
Guilt and shame are not only feelings. Held long enough, they change how you live.
- Low self-esteem, and a settled sense of not being good enough
- Feeling stuck, unable to move on from something that happened
- Relentless self-criticism, in a voice you would never use on anyone else
- Hiding, avoiding people or subjects in case it comes up
- Over-apologising, or over-giving to make up for something
- Anxiety and low mood, which often travel with both
It is easy to see how consuming this becomes. The kind step is to deal with it properly, then set it down.
CBT
How CBT helps with guilt
Guilt often grows out of exaggerated beliefs about responsibility. You were responsible for a part of something and have taken on all of it, or you have judged a past decision using information you only have now.
CBT helps you notice and test those beliefs, and put something more accurate in their place. It also breaks the rumination cycle, the going over and over it at three in the morning, which feels like processing and is not.
Hypnotherapy
How hypnotherapy helps
Some guilt does not respond to reason. You can know perfectly well that it was not your fault and still feel it in your chest every time the subject comes up. That gap between knowing and feeling is where hypnotherapy does its work.
Working in a relaxed, focused state, it softens the emotional charge attached to a memory or belief and builds self-compassion at a level deeper than argument. It is often combined with CBT for that reason.
Counselling
How counselling helps, and why saying it out loud matters
Counselling offers a safe, unhurried space to look at where the guilt came from and whether it is proportionate. Together you unpack the thoughts and emotions involved, and reach a more balanced view of what actually happened.
There is something else here that is worth naming. Shame survives on secrecy. Saying the thing out loud, once, to someone who does not flinch and does not think less of you, does more than most techniques. For many people that is the moment it starts to loosen, and it is often the first time they have ever told anyone.
The hardest version
What if you actually did something wrong?
Plenty of people arrive assuming therapy is going to tell them it was fine and they should stop worrying. That would be useless, and you would not believe it anyway.
Where you did do something you regret, the work is different. It is about taking real responsibility rather than performing it, making amends where that is possible and appropriate, and then reaching a point where you have paid what there is to pay.
Carrying it forever is not the same as accountability. Indefinite self-punishment does not undo anything, it just removes you from a life in which you might do some good. Self-forgiveness is not letting yourself off. It is what allows you to be useful again.
No surprises
What happens when you get in touch
- 1
You send a message or call
A line or two is plenty. You do not have to say what it is about, now or ever, in more detail than you choose.
- 2
A free 15 minute call
A relaxed, confidential chat with an experienced therapist. Nobody will ask you to explain yourself on the call.
- 3
We match you with the right therapist
We suggest the approach and therapist we think fits, in person in Fareham or online, and you decide whether to start.
Counselling from £72 a session. CBT and hypnotherapy from £90. See all fees
You do not have to carry it alone
Almost everyone who comes for this arrives certain that theirs is the one thing a therapist will judge them for. In more than twenty years, that has not happened yet.
Your questions answered
Guilt and shame questions, answered
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is about something you did. Shame is about who you believe you are. Guilt says I did a bad thing, shame says I am a bad person. Guilt can be resolved by putting something right. Shame cannot, because it does not point at an action, which is why it lasts longer and hides better.
Is all guilt bad?
Not at all. Healthy, proportionate guilt is useful. It points at something you did that sits badly with your values, prompts you to put it right, and then it is done. The kind that causes problems is disproportionate, misplaced, or held long after it has served any purpose.
What if my guilt is about something I really did?
Then therapy will not tell you it was fine, because you would not believe it. The work is taking real responsibility, making amends where that is possible, and reaching a point where you have paid what there is to pay. Carrying it forever is not accountability, it is just self-punishment that helps nobody.
Will my therapist judge me?
No. Almost everyone who comes for this arrives convinced theirs is the exception. It is not. Your therapist has heard a great deal, and their job is to help rather than to grade you.
Which therapy is best for guilt and shame?
CBT works well on the beliefs about responsibility and on rumination. Hypnotherapy helps where you know it was not your fault but still feel it, which is very common. Counselling gives you the space to say it out loud, which for shame in particular is often the thing that shifts it. A blend is usual.
Can therapy help with survivor guilt?
Yes, and it is a common reason people come. Survivor guilt is one of the clearest examples of guilt attaching itself to something that was never your doing. Where it follows a traumatic event, EMDR may also be part of the picture.
I feel guilty about things that were not my fault. Is that normal?
Very. A great deal of the guilt people carry attaches to things they had no control over, or that belonged to someone else entirely. Children in particular tend to take on responsibility for adult behaviour, and that can travel a long way into adult life.
How many sessions will I need?
It varies with how long you have carried it and what sits underneath. Focused work on one specific event can be relatively short. Shame that goes back to childhood usually takes longer. You will get an honest idea after the first session or two.
Do I have to tell you everything?
No. You share what you choose to, at your pace, and you are never pushed for detail. Some people find they say more than they expected once they realise nobody is going to react badly. That is your decision, not the therapist's.
Can I have sessions online?
Yes. You can be seen in person at our Fareham practice or online from anywhere in the UK. Many people find online a more private way to say something difficult for the first time.
Whenever you are ready, we are here
Start with a free 15 minute call. A relaxed, confidential conversation with an experienced therapist. You do not have to say what it is about, and there is no cost and no obligation.